The aliens were nice. Apart from the fact that I had been imprisoned, there wasnt anything I would complain of.
On reconsideration I wouldnt even complain of being imprisoned. It not like I was allowed to go anywhere I wanted to back on Earth. Courtesy: A Hitler Mum.
Air conditioned jails. Top rated food. That looked and tasted like pizza but didnt do a teeny bit of damage to my sexy 24 inch waist. alright 28. umm 30. Okay its 32 buzz off now.
They had me here because they had discovered about Earth being an inhabited planet. They had researched a machine by which inserting a specie's DNA they could morph into that species into a while.
They had me here because I was a human specimen. A syringe inserted into me the day I got here which didnt hurt a bit I heard Alexo laughing. we have finally the specimen of a human being now I can morph into Robert Pattinson.
In my mind I was like you have a choice to morph into any human you like and you chose Robert pattison. For crying out loud he's a sissy. This is the reason you are an alien.
What seemed like 10 long days of relaxing (and their experimenting) at this planet they decided to dump me back to earth.
But they were no one to listen.
BACK AT EARTH
"Baby, I would never cheat on you.”
“No, Nia, of course not. It’s just that you were picked up by aliens and taken to Saturn and examined by them and you lost ten whole days even though it seemed like only 10 minutes.”
(this was some weird thing. Everyone said I was just missing for 10 minutes.)
“I know it sounds unbelievable.”
“And you came home with changed clothes. Hickeys all over you and smelling like a perfume factory.”
“I told you I can explain that.”
“Okay, I’m up for a good laugh. Fire away.”
“They were doing some kind of weird experiment. . . they had an alien and he -- I mean, it -- was really realistic looking. I mean, they took my DNA and now they could morph into us beings with a body like -- um, not like yours, of course. Nothing like yours, baby.”
“Although it was pretty amazing. They engineered this thing to look like. . . well, it looked like--”
“I don’t want to hear what it looked like!”
“I missed you all the time, I swear.”
“I can’t believe I’m listening to this.”
“It was humiliating, really. I never felt so used.” In my mind: Yes used. I had planned on staying there infinitely and they just take a DNA and dump me back. Huh.
“I’m sure that’s exactly how you felt.”
“I don’t know why they picked me. I was sitting on the terrace day... umm just resting when they came for me."
"Did anyone see you?"
"I don’t think anybody saw, because there was no one else there..”
“Nobody saw? How convenient.”
"Baby, honey, I’m traumatized. I may not ever be able to function in bed again.”
“All right, I’ve heard enough. Out!”
“But baby. . . “
“Out! You lying, cheating. . . get out of my house! I don’t ever want to see you again.”
“But wait. . . would you believe me if I showed you one of the aliens?”
“Have you lost your mind? Now I’m worried about you.”
I opened the door and in stepped a man that looked like a cross between Tom Cruise and Johnny Depp on the best day of their lives.
“This is Alexo,” I said. “He’s the one who abducted me. Tell them Alexo.”
“Greetings,” Alexo said. His voice was low and sultry.
In a flash my boyfriend hit the alien with a cricket bat. Then he hoisted a heavy ceramic vase and threw it at Alexo’s head. Then he picked up a footstool and chased Alexo around the living room with it. The alien‘s face registered stark terror. It held its arms out to ward off the blows, but that proved ineffective.
“You fucking asshole!” Boyfy screamed. “Intergalactic trash! Get out of my house. If I ever see you around her again I’ll make you wish you were a collection of parts floating around one of Jupiter’s moons.”
The alien with a broken tooth tried to get away, but it ran amazingly fast and was out the door and down the street in an instant.
Back on the spacership, Alexo made its report.
“Barbaric creatures,” it concluded. “They are not worth colonizing. And mating with them will only produce violence from the male of the species.”
The ship’s commander filed a report that gave Earth such a low priority rating it was guaranteed not to receive another exploratory probe for at least a millennium. The ship sped off to another part of the galaxy. Alexo would not come out of its quarters until the ship had passed Jupiter.