Of Clusterfuck procrastination I Regret.

Sometimes its too hard. 
Hard for me to smile,
Smile when something is broken,
Broken deep inside.

I would suggest you not to read this if you expect something meaningful. 
Just like the title This post makes no sense. 
No even to me. Just like my brain, it is a clusterfuck of all the thoughts that are spiraling my brain right now. 
And though it surprises me every time, I yet again write just to clear off my mind, because somehow magically whatever once written by me gets automatically deleted almost permanently from my brain.So end line : Reading/commenting is upon personal discretion. 
Things in my head dont make sense. 
Its like all train of thoughts clashing at the same intersection with me standing in the exact center. 
Procrastination at its peak. 
I usually ponder over the fact how I have been an idol ‘Procrastinator’ all my life but never knowing until recently what it was called. I usually heard people say this word, and all i could think of was ‘Show off people’ and nod like I very well knew what the whole discussion was about. 

Have you ever felt really stupid about your self, only stupid being an absolute understatement? 
Like every important decision, decisions that could change your life are wrong. Like a sudden pshycic feeling that everything you opted for is going to end up as a regret. 
I have
Or better, the phase is still on.
You speak cool, you write, people talk to you and you feel at the top of the world. 
You suddenly regret not being here sooner. You think you belong here. 
But this is just an illusion. 
Your virtual self may be the coolest thing around. People might actually look forward to everything you write, but deep inside you know you dont have a life. 
If you go out in the real world, there is nowhere that you stand. Because the real life desicions that you take are far off being right, let alone being perfect. 

Love or Money? 
Caring for your family or having an enviable carrer? 
Earning respect in society or following your interest? 
What should would you choose? 
In the first place should these over-extentive-thought-needed issues cross your mind when you are just 19? 

 You tell yourself this isnt the end of the world.
It wont be, even if you fail. 
Though it would be if you never try.
Do you want to be a coward? The one who never tried? Which regret would be better? The regret of Making the wrong choice? or the regret of never knowing since you never tried? 

P.S: Donot tell me that the spelling of pyscic is wrong. I know I wrote it wrong again. 
My spell check tells me that too. I didnt listen to him, what makes you think I would to you? 
I wont backspace and correct. 
Life isn't about backspaces and erasers it is all about writing with a pen.  
(And yes I know that the spellchecker is a male. Because they just cant mind their own fucking business.) 
P.P.S: If you manged to make any sense out of it : GOOD. 
 If not : Care not to comment. 
Four thirty in the morning with hair that looks grosser than Anil Kapoors chest hair, Eyes that  look like somebody just boiled them and mouth that stinks more than a pig's sty would, I didn't write this to hear someone saying I shouldn't. This was much needed.


  1. Yeah, the post does make a lot of sense. It actually hits home. The line from which it starts making no sense at all is this

    "(And yes I know that the spellchecker is a male"

    It's quite obvious.

    A really good post.
    Stay Blessed ^_^

  2. :D Glad yu could make sense. By the way shouldnt have mentioned. Its pretty obvious already eh? Haahaa.

  3. Brilliant post. Seriously.
    Made sense. totally.
    And the spell checker is a bitch. A male bitch at that!
    Take care

  4. @blahblaholic: Male bitch? Haha EPIC.

  5. I don't know how to comment at this awkward moment when I realize that am not reading my own personal diary but a 19-year old's blog post, who seems to be grappling with the same over-extentive-thought-needed issues.

  6. Aaaaaa. I nodded at everything.
    ESp the part :

    Love or Money?
    Caring for your family or having an enviable carrer?
    Earning respect in society or following your interest?
    What should would you choose?

    yes, ADD me to ur fan list right away Nia :D (I like ur name, even though guessing it is umm.. a fancy version of neha? innit???

  7. @alchemist : I guess its about the phase. And this phase is one that almost everyone goes through.

    @OLMM : Shhh. Its top secret.


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